Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
