Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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