How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
40s are totally the cure
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
