I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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