it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
