The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
