put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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