remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
