oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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