What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
