now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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