Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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