walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
