i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
