i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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