it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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