I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
