He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
a search helicopter?!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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