So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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