he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
