My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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