Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
