Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
