Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
