I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
