I wish my penis had an off switch
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
