All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
