Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
