I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
