he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
