i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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