I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You don't make any sense
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