Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
