I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
