the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
