Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
