this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
