I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
