apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
