i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
