hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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