So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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