you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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