Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
