the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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