Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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