I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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