M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
