What did we do last night that was yellow?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
