it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
