i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
